August 2008
45 posts
85. Dear Don Draper, I'm considering a long...
I like the idea of entering into any relationship with an assumed distance. A comfortable remove is a wise position. ‘Long’ sounds too far for comfort.
84.
If you’re in a jam, call Peggy.
83. Dear Don Draper, What would you do if a...
This reminds me of yesterday: Salvatore mentioned something oddly loaded about a twat or a bird. I told him to get the door on his way out. It makes sense that I know my way around a tumbl(e)r, but this “social networking” sounds exhausting. You’re asking too much. All networks support free advertising, but that doesn’t mean they’ve lost interest in quality control.
82. Dear Don Draper, What do you look for in an...
The easiest way out. If it’s a musical, the nearest.
81.
Say it’s an old football injury.
80. Dear Don Draper, How long until I acknowledge...
You’ll have to call for ice before too long. Ask her by name.
79.
Tell her not to confuse this.
78.
When you try to forget something, you have to forget everything.
77. Dear Don Draper, I'm a housewife and find my...
By chance, are you almost no help with his job? Emptiness is a good thing. For relief. Find the depressing part(s) of your day. If it’s the time you spend with your husband, then yes, leave him. If it’s the children, leave them. If it’s just the repetition, the routine of homemaking, hire help and get out of the house. Fill those empty parts of your day with something new: a...
76.
If she says she wants you on the beach, drive her there.
75.
You know what they want you to do. Do it. Do whatever they say. Get out of there and move forward. It never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.
74. Dear Don Draper, My kid didn't know how to...
Never hit your children. You think loss, some pain or a bruise will teach him to mix drinks? To learn right from wrong? That’s not the way it works. He’s a kid. My father beat the hell out of me. All it did was make me fantasize about the day I could murder him. Level with the kid. When he’s treated with honesty and respect he’ll aspire to be honest and respectable.
73.
Ask her to cancel her plans and stay in bed.
72. Dear Don Draper, I’ve been feeling a bit tired...
If you feel a burn-out coming on, take the big-money offer from a competing firm, lazily work it for a year or two and retire. Buy a boat and go wherever you can take it. Maybe you’ll catch the bug again by the time the non-compete expires. Maybe not. For me, the tired, burned-out feeling is just boredom. Sleep with a new woman - hell, try your wife.
71.
Shove her back and hate yourself for it.
70. Dear Don Draper, Let's say Sterling Cooper was...
Let’s not - please leave Sterling Cooper out of this. Also, my reputation would not be at stake if I took this account. Rather, this account would be the stake driven through my reputation. “Famously Hot” makes me feel nothing. Fire your team and look for a job at a firm with accounts that don’t cater to bored conventioneers. Grab some barbecue in the Midlands on your way...
69.
Dance with her in the living room.
68.
Start Sunday with a couple Bloody Marys.
67. Dear Don Draper, How do you wear a pocket...
If I wear one at all, I use white cotton or linen squares and fold them in what’s called a Presidential fold: halved twice at right angles into quarters. And don’t be a dandy - it’s meant to be used.
66. Dear Don Draper, My friends have been...
Most changes to my drink order - which are seldom - are due to locale, not season. If I’m in an establishment with a specialty, like, say, an oyster bar or island shack, I’ll make an exception. Otherwise I stick to rye.
65. Dear Don Draper, I'm a young, beautiful and...
First you have other things to consider - the principal being your father’s money. Does your partner love that? Or your youth, beauty and intelligence? All, some or just one of these reasons is enough for most people, but a true marriage is built on a greater (some say the greatest) thing: a mutual understanding. If you’d like to see a sham destroyed, wait until you see yourself - your...
64.
Remind the discouraged that we all work for someone.
63. Dear Don Draper, I'm a 25-year-old male and...
In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend that a virgin see a party girl, but you’re the textbook exception. Get your money’s worth. Let her show you how. Ask questions if necessary. Afterward, stop trying - never even try to “let” sex happen. Don’t just act like sleeping with your girl is the farthest thing from your mind, actually push it out. And wait until she...
62.
Tell your secretary not to cover for you - just manage expectations.
61. Dear Don Draper, I've found out that my...
You people with your either/or questions. Move on. You’re a cuckold and you paid the price twice. Or by all means turn down your newfound freedom. Sue her or assault some lizard and spring for a lawyer and commit to months of court dates. Possibly jail time. Give her yet another year of your life.
60. Dear Don Draper, What is the quickest, most...
A gentle shove mid-secluded cliff hike. Then maybe take hold of a tree and stamp off some of the trail’s edge and begin calling/running back for help. Of course, if you have a record of conflict, you’re stuck. Why not just ruin his career? It’ll be far more satisfying, take considerably less effort and minimize guilt.
59.
Don’t be cruel unless it serves both parties equally.
58.
Grab her by the hair, shove your hand up her skirt and tell her to do what you say.
57.
Take the morning off and go to the movies. Maybe a foreign film.
56. Dear Don Draper, I found a copy of "On The...
Neither. You’ve dodged a bullet. It’s best he go through that phase while he’s still under your roof and you can keep an eye on him. Many men waste their money on college tuition while their pretentious kids self-indulgently deny they were ever taught accountability. Leave the kid alone and hope he moves on to better books before he moves out. Panic will only cause him to...
55.
Do the talent’s wife in the front seat of your car.
54. Dear Don Draper, My workplace is filled with...
Sit pretty. It may seem like you’re at the bottom, tidying messes the big boys make, but so long as your hands are dirty, you’re not going anywhere. The man who’s seen behind the curtain is far too dangerous to let go. And if you can get dirty with the best of them, show a flair for it. A role in upper management is always a janitorial position.
53. Dear Don Draper, I can't believe you'd...
Consider is the operative word. I haven’t committed to anything. In some sick way, feeling my body age and struggle makes me feel - however briefly - like I belong in this skin, like I am who I say I am. If I bear the weight of Don Draper - if my joints ache and I begin to tire, if my children love Don Draper and I love them back - I am closer to being Don Draper. The face in the mirror and...
52. Dear Don Draper, I just started smoking and...
Pall Mall has a slogan: “Wherever particular people congregate.” It’s fine for the converted, but their campaign needs a punch. Look at the coat of arms printed on the front and back of every package of Pall Mall cigarettes. A Latin phrase on the shield, “Per Aspera Ad Astra,” translates as “Through Difficulty to the Stars.” Underneath the shield, a banner...
51. Dear Don Draper, A girl smiled at me all the...
No. You should never get ideas from some stoned beatnik’s hazy grin. Additionally, you shouldn’t ride the bus. Or sit next to old men who smell of piss. Have you ever seen a lantern-jawed winner on the bus, brimming with false modesty? You haven’t. Just poor people with poor habits.
50.
In a crisis, do what people do: go home and be with your family.
49. Dear Don Draper, I noticed that a few of your...
It’s a fad. One wants to be the needle in the haystack - not a haystack. Not everyone agrees. Personally, I refuse to give up originality for a foothold on the latest trend. I am the trend. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to stare at this wall art and ponder the majestic beauty of the Mohawk nation.
48. Dear Don Draper, Recently I've gotten pretty...
I realize it’s difficult to find someone - particularly in your situation - who can fulfill the needs not satisfied by marriage and family. That said, I can’t recommend that you bugger a colleague. There’s life and there’s work.
47.
Don’t fight. Say whatever she thinks you should.
46.
Teach your eight-year-old daughter to bartend.
45. How do I avoid the temptation to buy a rifle...
The only thing less dignifying than exchanging a chip-n-dip would be exchanging it for a rifle. I’ll propose two methods. Try to decide which is best:
One. Reach down inside yourself and find the part of your soul that wasn’t crushed by momentarily owning two chip-n-dips. Clasp both hands around it and hope to God you can protect its flame from a lifetime of latent servility, the...
44.
Send back copy written for other writers.
43. Dear Don Draper, I'm a recently-married Junior...
I think you’re unclear about what party girls are and do and can only assume you’re also ill-prepared for what you call a mistress. Give it some time, junior.
42.
Leave the room if she talks to you like that.
41. Dear Don Draper, Are you a single malt or...
No. Rye.
