What Would Don Draper Do?
Questions for Don? email: whatwoulddondraperdo@gmail.com
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66. Dear Don Draper, My friends have been pressuring me to adopt a "summer drink." I've held my ground so far. Should I continue to ward off their attempts to push Vodka and Gin into my double rocks glass?
Most changes to my drink order - which are seldom - are due to locale, not season. If I’m in an establishment with a specialty, like, say, an oyster bar or island shack, I’ll make an exception. Otherwise I stick to rye.
65. Dear Don Draper, I'm a young, beautiful and intelligent woman who decided to use my brain to succeed instead of using my daddy's money to find a nice husband. I have no problem meeting interesting men, but I tend to want what I can't have. Should I still pursue marriage even though the institution is a sham?
First you have other things to consider - the principal being your father’s money. Does your partner love that? Or your youth, beauty and intelligence? All, some or just one of these reasons is enough for most people, but a true marriage is built on a greater (some say the greatest) thing: a mutual understanding. If you’d like to see a sham destroyed, wait until you see yourself - your true self - reflected in the eyes of another. You’ll see marriage is not an institution. It doesn’t need to answer to history or society. Each marriage is an institution unto itself.
64.
Remind the discouraged that we all work for someone.
63. Dear Don Draper, I'm a 25-year-old male and still a virgin. Any advice?
In most cases, I wouldn’t recommend that a virgin see a party girl, but you’re the textbook exception. Get your money’s worth. Let her show you how. Ask questions if necessary. Afterward, stop trying - never even try to “let” sex happen. Don’t just act like sleeping with your girl is the farthest thing from your mind, actually push it out. And wait until she puts herself out there with it. You won’t want it accidentally or casually - that’s the worst way. It’ll be best when she’s sure. Know that she’ll spring when she is.
62.
Tell your secretary not to cover for you - just manage expectations.
61. Dear Don Draper, I've found out that my girlfriend of 2 years has been cheating on me with another man for several months. I just lent her $3500 for her rent about a month ago - should I sue her for the cash or rough up the new guy?
You people with your either/or questions. Move on. You’re a cuckold and you paid the price twice. Or by all means turn down your newfound freedom. Sue her or assault some lizard and spring for a lawyer and commit to months of court dates. Possibly jail time. Give her yet another year of your life.
60. Dear Don Draper, What is the quickest, most painless way to kill someone and make it look like an accident?
A gentle shove mid-secluded cliff hike. Then maybe take hold of a tree and stamp off some of the trail’s edge and begin calling/running back for help. Of course, if you have a record of conflict, you’re stuck. Why not just ruin his career? It’ll be far more satisfying, take considerably less effort and minimize guilt.
59.
Don’t be cruel unless it serves both parties equally.
58.
Grab her by the hair, shove your hand up her skirt and tell her to do what you say.
57.
Take the morning off and go to the movies. Maybe a foreign film.
56. Dear Don Draper, I found a copy of "On The Road" by that beatnik writer in my son's room. Should I call the police or just rough him up a little and kick him out of the house like his grandmother suggested?
Neither. You’ve dodged a bullet. It’s best he go through that phase while he’s still under your roof and you can keep an eye on him. Many men waste their money on college tuition while their pretentious kids self-indulgently deny they were ever taught accountability. Leave the kid alone and hope he moves on to better books before he moves out. Panic will only cause him to clutch the filth tighter and, worse, longer.
55.
Do the talent’s wife in the front seat of your car.
54. Dear Don Draper, My workplace is filled with lazy assholes who always hand me the dirty work. What should I do?
Sit pretty. It may seem like you’re at the bottom, tidying messes the big boys make, but so long as your hands are dirty, you’re not going anywhere. The man who’s seen behind the curtain is far too dangerous to let go. And if you can get dirty with the best of them, show a flair for it. A role in upper management is always a janitorial position.
53. Dear Don Draper, I can't believe you'd consider taking a drug for your health.
Consider is the operative word. I haven’t committed to anything. In some sick way, feeling my body age and struggle makes me feel - however briefly - like I belong in this skin, like I am who I say I am. If I bear the weight of Don Draper - if my joints ache and I begin to tire, if my children love Don Draper and I love them back - I am closer to being Don Draper. The face in the mirror and the name I’ve claimed almost become one. But no matter how many times I answer or accept responsibiliy, just almost. I’d give anything to bridge almost - to fill myself out completely, leaving no empty spaces, not even the fingertips.
52. Dear Don Draper, I just started smoking and find that it calms my nerves as well as making me appear mature and sophisticated. I know you’re a Lucky Strike man, but what's your opinion of Pall Malls?
Pall Mall has a slogan: “Wherever particular people congregate.” It’s fine for the converted, but their campaign needs a punch. Look at the coat of arms printed on the front and back of every package of Pall Mall cigarettes. A Latin phrase on the shield, “Per Aspera Ad Astra,” translates as “Through Difficulty to the Stars.” Underneath the shield, a banner reads “In Hoc Signo Vinces” or “In this sign, you will conquer.” Pall Malls are never uncertain - they’re with you in good times and bad. They’re the familiar something you carry or even follow into battle. A sign, an honest code. A package of Pall Malls is security in your pocket: always there and waiting for your return, like home, wherever it may be. Pall Malls are a taste of home.
